4 Important Things I Learned in 4 Years of Marriage

 

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My husband and I just celebrated four amazing years of marriage this past Monday (March 7, 2016)! It really has been a great journey of love and companionship. We’re not perfect, and we’ve both made a ton of mistakes, but I’m grateful for our progress along the way. The more I grow in God, the more I continue to work on myself and improve my role as a wife. So, I just want to share with you Four Important Things I’ve learned in our 4 years of Marriage.


1.The power of “Okay”.

Okay, Listen, I’m an extreme thinker. Two of my strengths are problem solving and planning. If you come to me with an idea, by the time you get to the third sentence, I’ve already thought of two ideas to enhance your idea as well as possible problems that may arise. Not only have I thought of possible problems that may arise, but I’ve already thought of at least two possible solutions to that problem.

The first time someone kept our older daughter, Hannah, overnight, I left 7 pages of notes with different scenarios of what to do if different problems happened to arise with her. I know, I know, Too much maybe? Lol I told you, …..I’m an extreme thinker , planner, and problem solver. But in my marriage, there was a little issue with that. My husband is a visionary with a brilliant mind. He comes to me with these visions, and I start thinking. By the time he is on the third sentence my mind is REALLY going. Over the course of our marriage, he came to me proposing business partnership ideas with different individuals and my first reaction was:

  1. How long have you known this person?
  2. What is this person’s credit score?
  3. Do they lie?
  4. Is this person willing to sign a contract?

And on, and on and on I went until I would look at his facial expression. And all of a sudden I realized he no longer was talking. Uh oh. I had totally KILLED his desire for this idea, and I didn’t mean to AT all!

◊Helping Note: Men want to know that you are on board FIRST before trying to critique their decision- making.

In MY mind, my husband already knew that I was on board with his ideas. In HIS mind, I wasn’t expressing that to him. It just seemed like I was ripping his ideas to shreds.

So, now when he proposes an idea, I’ve learned to look at him, listen intently to him, give him a smile, and say “Okay!” And it’s not a sarcastic okay but an okay followed by a compliment of the creativity of his idea. This has created great synergy for us in decision-making because his reply, after he knows I’m still in his corner, is usually, “what do you think about it?” Then I proceed to ask my million and one questions or enough questions for us to brainstorm.

This way, I haven’t killed his idea, he knows that he fully has my support, and I also get a chance to express my thoughts on the subject without him shutting down. So, before you go full steam ahead critiquing your husband’s ideas, pause and say, Okay or whatever your “okay” may be that expresses that you are 100% his ride or die!

Note: Of course this only applies to things that do not compromise your integrity as a Christian. If he says he wants to rob a bank, your response should NOT be Okay. Just had to throw that in there. Yikes. Moving on…..


 

2.Never get tired of serving.

Funny story: A couple of weeks ago, I offered to make my husband a cup of coffee. I was bright and cheery when I made the first cup. He took a couple of sips and said it tasted funny. Ok no problem, I’ll make another cup. To him, the second cup was even worse than the first cup. He said something about the bubbles looking funny. Huh? Ok sir, you’re wasting my good coffee. By this time, my patience was getting a little thin. But he asked me to make him another cup.

Was the third cup better to him? Absolutely not! But all three cups tasted great to me! By the third cup I was no longer smiling. I was over it. Just drink the coffee! “lol”. But then the Holy Spirit tugged this scripture on my heart, “Whatever may be your task, work at it heartily (from the soul), as (something done) for the Lord and not for men” (Col 3:23)

When I made those cups of coffee for my husband, I was thinking, “I have other things to do…Will he just drink the coffee…Why is he complaining…people elsewhere wish they had coffee”…and I was definitely rolling my eyes in my head until I had that gentle reminder of scripture.

You see, when you are serving but do not have the spirit of a servant, it becomes very easy to be offended. You can misinterpret an individual’s need and desire to enjoy the convenience of what you are offering with a feeling of being undermined or under-appreciated. My husband’s lack of enjoying the coffee was not a reflection on him or me. He simply wanted the coffee to taste right, and I was the one who offered the coffee in the first place. Bringing my husband the coffee was “getting the job done”, but making the coffee to his satisfaction is what “serving” is all about. And beyond that we should be serving as if we are serving to the satisfaction of the Lord Himself.

So…wives…know that when we serve our husbands, we’re working for the Lord. Let’s step up our service and serve with gladness of heart all the time because we know that our real reward comes from God. So, times when I don’t “feel” like serving, I remind myself, “Amanda, what you’re doing is unto the Lord. Do it gladly. Do it well”.


 

3.Let it go.

I was raised in a family where, during disagreements, it was important to talk about every single thing. When my mom upset me or I upset her, we had these super long conversations and the same thing with my siblings. We always talked about everything. To this day, whenever my husband and I have a disagreement, I want to talk about everything concerning that disagreement.

 

  • How did this conversation make you feel?
  • Do we need to talk about it more?
  • Did you mean what you said?
  • Can we talk about this?

 

But I’ve realized sometimes I have to just take one for the team and let it go. Everything doesn’t need an explanation all of the time. And all of my questions irritate the mess out of him after he has already decided to let an issue go. I realized that all my questioning can be downright nagging and no man wants to be married to a nagging woman!

 

“Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife”- Prov. 21:19

“Better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife”- Proverbs 21:9

“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike”-Prov. 27:15

 

 

Got it? Got it? Good.

#operationNOnagging

 

Ok so Maybe he WAS just having a bad day. Let it goKeep in mind we have two kids. He could be exhausted (I know I am) Let it go. Who cares if he puts his socks on the floor instead of the hamper. Everyday. Let it goWhy? Well because he LOVES me. He takes amazing care of me. And he is an amazing father. You see what I just did…take note!

Sometimes you have to compare all the things you do like with all the things that you do not like about whatever current situation is bothering you. This kind of reality check reminds you that the good outweighs the bad. And all the stuff that you don’t like…well…you choose to Let it go.

◊Helping Note: Some person is praying for the very thing that you are complaining about. One woman’s trash is another woman’s treasure. The minor roadblocks you have in marriage are not that serious. Let it go.


 

4.Time alone is non-negotiable.

Whew! Ok, so currently we have a(n) almost 2.5 year old and a 15 month old. Until this week, we had not had a night away from the children since before I got pregnant with our 15 month old! And before that we only had one night away from our first when she was 11 months old. We were waaayyyyyy past due for some time alone with no diapers, wipes, whining babies, and minnie mouse toys.

I honestly didn’t know how badly we needed the break until right before we went. Our days and nights had begun to run together from our crazy schedule. Our oldest battles allergies at times so she had been waking up often in the night, and our youngest one has gotten four teeth in the past couple of weeks and was teething something serious. And then of course, we still have business to take care of everyday.

I said “enough is enough! We need a vacation, away from the kids.” So we did a 3 day, 2 night stay at Hilton Head Westin resort in a Director’s suite with a beach front view. AMAZING time! We came back super refreshed! It spoiled us. And because of our crazy schedules, we’ve decided that every 3 months, we would have at least one night to ourselves without kids.

Married couples, please take breaks and take vacations alone. You need healthy marriages to build healthy families; so don’t neglect that time alone with each other. INVEST in your marriage. Other things can wait, I promise you. Spend that time together. Start planning now, because time alone is absolutely non-negotiable.

 

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(This was us during our anniversary vacation this week ! We had soooo much fun! )

 

I pray that these tips helped you. Marriage is HARD work, but it is SOOO worth all of the work. Feel free to share any tips that you’ve learned along the way in your marriage.

 

Love you all so much!

 

♥Amanda Ferguson♥

63 Comments

  1. Mameisia on 10 Mar 2016 at 4:44 pm

    Love this! Thanks for being so transparent about your relationship. You and prophet are great examples of what a Godly marriage should look like. God bless you both.

  2. karlavblog on 10 Mar 2016 at 5:19 pm

    Love this!

  3. Ronnetta on 10 Mar 2016 at 5:29 pm

    I am not married (yet) but I appreciate this and will remember it when my Boaz come into my life! Thank you! May GOD continue to bless your marriage and beautiful Family!

  4. Hamalya on 10 Mar 2016 at 5:29 pm

    I’m always so excited to read your blogs. Thank you for Sharing. May God Bless you 😌

    • amandafergusonblog on 10 Mar 2016 at 5:41 pm

      Yay! Thank you so much for reading 🙂

      • Lakeumiss Jones on 10 Mar 2016 at 5:57 pm

        This was an amazing read sis! I laughed at the transparent moments, because I thought it was just me that respond in a lot of those ways! 😄 now I know I got some practicing to do, and the scripts ref. was enough to want to!

  5. eula wilson on 10 Mar 2016 at 6:08 pm

    Thanks for the words of wisdom. However, sometimes I ask my husband do you think I am Molly the maid.lol. He laughs at me. I must keep in mind when he is asking for extra thing just because he can. Looking at the bigger picture he is a great husband, he takes care of me very well. I am doing it unto

  6. Tometheal Polk on 10 Mar 2016 at 6:11 pm

    This will definitely be life-changing for a lot of people.

  7. Shantell (Tellytell68) on 10 Mar 2016 at 6:12 pm

    As soon as I started reading, I immediately thought of all the women in my family & female friends to share your blog with. This is soooo good! I’m single, but this blessed me alot. The scriptures and at home examples brung truth and reality. Excellent job, Woman of God!!!

  8. Kim Lott on 10 Mar 2016 at 6:29 pm

    I just Love,Love, Love the way you write and express your thoughts and experiences! It is absolutely on point and outstanding advice. After being married to a fantastic spouse for the last 25 years, these tips are still reliable assets to remember and utilize. Blessings!!!

  9. Joann Misterbutler on 10 Mar 2016 at 6:38 pm

    Love these four things. I need you help do you have time.

  10. Candace on 10 Mar 2016 at 7:04 pm

    This was WONDERFUL not only did it open my eyes and heart to be a BETTER wife but it even gave me a better outlook on serving in my church, on my job and etc. In April it will mark 7yrs for us and I can attest that every word in this is so TRUE! Thanks for sharing and for allowing God to use you!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Samantha on 10 Mar 2016 at 7:58 pm

    i am much so married, and follow you guys ministry and periscope, ( i met you guys at dominion) but these are some greaaaat points and all for me (especially 3.LET IT GO).. I will read this daily till it gets deep in my spirit, but thanks this is very helpful. It opened my eyes to know im not alone.

  12. Mikea on 10 Mar 2016 at 7:59 pm

    This is an excellent lesson. It’s hard to do, but it’s great wisdom!

  13. Jonae Grinage on 10 Mar 2016 at 8:05 pm

    Wonderful blog! Been married 10yrs and have to say the part about serving had me chuckling. Definitely took me a good while to get a handle on it. 🙂 Thanks for these wonderful tips!

  14. Angela D Martin on 10 Mar 2016 at 8:29 pm

    Dear Lady Amanda,

    I feel this blog was unique and deeply infused with wisdom that can only be obtained from personal experience and divine revelation. Your blog’s just keep getting better and better. More informative.

    Angela D. Martin

  15. Ashley on 10 Mar 2016 at 9:11 pm

    Thank you this was awesome it definitely helped me ! Glory to God .

  16. free24883 on 11 Mar 2016 at 2:34 am

    I REALLY ENJOYED READING THIS IT WAS VERY HELPFUL !!!!!

  17. Annette on 11 Mar 2016 at 2:58 am

    So Real and Helpful

  18. Kimberly on 11 Mar 2016 at 4:04 am

    I will have been married 10 years in June. Your tips are so right!

  19. Zindia on 11 Mar 2016 at 4:42 am

    Wow!!! Mrs. Amanda, This one was my favorite by far!!!! 👏👏. I believe that God has soo much more in store for your family. I just can’t wait to see how beautiful, smart, God-fearing Mya and Hannah are gonna become in the future. Blessings from Canada,praying for y’all🙏

  20. stephaniesoblessed on 11 Mar 2016 at 2:14 pm

    Hey honey!! My husband and I will be married going on 6 years this June 24th and I promise you we need some “us” time. We have three awesome children and no alone time! Lol!! I really enjoy your blog and I will definitely take your advice. I think I go ahead and plan us somewhere too go before our anniversary date. The good Lord knows we need it!
    Thanks Babe♡♡♡
    Steph. C.

  21. Nathalie on 11 Mar 2016 at 3:29 pm

    Wow , Very unique and informative Blog, this one is my favorite i will definitely put your advices into practice. Thank God for your wisdom. Waiting for more !!!
    Nathalie from MD

  22. Terez Wilson on 11 Mar 2016 at 5:10 pm

    This is great Amanda Panda! I will definitely share this! 🙂

  23. PROPHETESS ALISHA HIVES TAYLOR on 11 Mar 2016 at 6:21 pm

    THIS IS NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT POWERFUL AND VERY INFORMATIVE!!!! KINGDOM BLESSINGS TO YOU BOTH!!!!

  24. Tanganyika Mathis on 11 Mar 2016 at 6:28 pm

    This is absolutely amazing. I enjoyed reading this.

  25. Sis Juanita Roberts on 11 Mar 2016 at 8:07 pm

    I have been at this 37 years and to hear your wisdom is inspiring to me. I look back to see what I could have done differently in my marriage. I am so thankful there are a lot of teachings out there now. It was very little back when I was new in my marriage. The points you pointed out are true and every man has his own personality so let God lead you ladies.

  26. bridget on 12 Mar 2016 at 1:10 am

    Im single but this was good food for thought so I can be ready for my husband. Blessing to you!

  27. Breah Love on 12 Mar 2016 at 4:20 am

    Hi Mrs./Prophetess Amanda! This is an Amazing Blog! I’m only 19 years old and I’m definitely not married yet, but I am preparing. Thank you for instilling so much wisdom and Godly knowledge through your Blogs! Love you, Prophet, and the Girls so much! Blessings to you all!!

  28. Johnnie Mae Jones on 12 Mar 2016 at 3:10 pm

    I must say Amanda this blog was absolutely amazing. Great wisdom tools for any marriage. You inspire me to want to write. From your blog, I see the beautiful plant of ONE. Amanda & Jonathan you all are a BLESSING to the Kingdom. Yes, TWO Eagles that are ONE that soars through the simplicity of LOVE for one another. May God bless you and your husband continually & forevermore.

  29. ladyebonyl on 13 Mar 2016 at 3:47 am

    Love and admire your truth. Maybe one day when my heart heals completely, and I can love again I will be the best wife ever thanks to your teaching. Grateful for you woman of God

  30. Kesha Rich on 15 Mar 2016 at 12:23 am

    Amazing post. Helpful, full of truth and laughter. Thank you for sharing. Bountiful blessings to you and yours, amen.

  31. Natasha Joseph on 15 Mar 2016 at 6:43 pm

    Thank you. Thank you Amanda for your transparency and openess. I am very much like you in that I also am analyzing while listening. I realized after reading your blog, that I’m not tsking the pause. Also taking one for the team, truely a work in progress for me. A reminder of thinking of the great things he does can certainly put water on the fire that roars sometimes. Thank you for your encouraging words of wisdom. God bless you and your husband. You are an inspiration.

  32. sanctify36 on 15 Mar 2016 at 6:59 pm

    I thank you for your great blogs Amanda, I recently became married and I am certainly going to use some of your tips. God bless you and your family

  33. sanctify36 on 15 Mar 2016 at 7:01 pm

    Thank you for your informative blogs Amanda. I recently became married and I am surely going to use some of these tips.

  34. Dominique on 21 Mar 2016 at 4:56 am

    This Post definitely helped Me to Look at Marriage differently and with a better Perspective. You have Blessed me so much with your Blog’s and Girl talks on Periscope! You are a Blessing to the kingdom of God! May God continue to increase and Bless your Household.

  35. Anonymous on 2 Apr 2016 at 10:42 pm

    Hi, I just wanted to ask you a question. I’m currently 19 years old and a sophomore in college. I was born and raised in the apostolic church, I have the holy ghost, but right not I’m just as lost as ever. I’ve never really had a boyfriend, but now there is this guy and I like him a lot, but he is not saved and it doesn’t even seem like he is trying to be. I may have made a mistake or two because we have gotten really close, we haven’t had sex, but I haven’t exactly been a saint either. And now I feel sorry all the time because I’m lost. What should I do? I don’t want to break his heart and I do like him, but at the same time I do notice that he is changing me. The other day I accidentally cursed in my mind and I know that it’s because he curses all the time. Then he recently told me that he loves me and I didn’t respond because I know that he and I are unequally yoked. I just wanted to the opinion of someone that doesn’t know me and will not judge. Thank you in advance.

    • amandafergusonblog on 6 Apr 2016 at 4:11 pm

      Sounds like you already know what to do:) Your relationship with God comes first. And the right one will always lead you closer to God

  36. Jessicabriel on 14 Apr 2016 at 1:50 pm

    I love the part about being a servant in your marriage… Mind officially blown! Thanks for sharing

  37. Christine stapleton on 28 May 2016 at 1:49 pm

    Hello Amanda….THANK YOU FOR ALL THE “WONDERFUL” TIPS YOU SHARE !!!! I WILL DEFINITELY USED THEM ! I LOVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY 😍

  38. w_jr1@aol.com on 21 Jul 2016 at 8:07 pm

    My God!!!! You remind me so much of Susanna in the Apocrypha Bible. She was a woman that was completely sold out to the true and Living God. She said I’d rather die than to sin in the sight of my God. Wow!!! I never heard of you and your husband until last night. Soon as my Queen came home from revival I couldn’t wait to share what all I had learned form the Man of God. Your Blog has truly Bless me. Wow!! I always say one of the strongest individuals in the church is the Wife of the Man of God. Reason being is she has to deal with all that she has going on and be there to cover, love, encourage and uplift the man of God. God Bless you Both and everyone connected to you.

  39. Carla Bridges on 26 Jan 2017 at 7:27 pm

    Awesome word! I definitely needed a reminder.

  40. Sherae Zwart on 22 Feb 2017 at 8:30 am

    This is awesome. My husband and I will be celebrating our fifth anniversary in March. While every couple learns different things, I can definitely say that service is important for every marriage. Service coupled with sacrifice leads to a happy marriage that reflects the love of Christ. And isn’t that what we should all be aiming for?

  41. admin on 22 Feb 2017 at 10:27 am

    “People elsewhere wish they had coffee…” HILARIOUS!! This is an excellent post! Keep it up, and I look forward to the new direction you’ll be blogging in! 🙂

  42. […] I seem to keep pushing these blogs back. Two years ago, I started documenting what I learned in my Four years and Five years of marriage, so I wanted to continue the tradition. I’m no marriage expert, […]

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